A WOMENS VOCABULARY EXPLAINED

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.
Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks, this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last
before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling
a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD - With Raised Eyebrows

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD - Normal Eyebrows

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content.
Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she will stay content.

THATS OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that
you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer.
A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome."

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you.
It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

CHRISTMAS EVE

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and the wife was on heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some shagging by hook or by crook.

The wife in her nighty and me in the raw,
Were laughing and banging like a shithouse door.
When out on the lawn there arose such a shout,
That I lost my hardon and the wife passed out.

l ran to the window in only one sock,
To see who's roar had softened my cock.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess and something hit it real hard.

Then what should suddenly appear?,
A crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
"Over the lamp post, and don't hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee."

I was donning my jacket to cover my arse,
When down the chimney he came, what a farce.
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some cathouse," he said with a grin,
"The reindeer are fucked and have shit in your bin."
He walked to the kitchen and poured out a drink,
Then whipped out his cock and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung right down to his knee.
Santa bent over and opening his sack,
Exposed a large part of his hairy arse crack.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With a bottle of gin tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his arse and farted instead.

He cursed, got up and climbed into his sleigh,
"Let's go you twats, l want to be away."
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air.

Bending the lamp post and wrecking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
"I'm coming home Mrs Claus," he shouted to all,
"So whip off your knickers we're going to ball."

MALE ANATOMY

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up.
Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between
my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that purple thing on the end of the penis?"
"We call that the head of the penis," the doctor replies.
The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, l don't know about your husband but on me they're the cheeks of my arse."

DESPERATION

Mr Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the toilet in the lobby but all of the stalls are occupied.
He runs back up to his room and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot.
Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"

SEX

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 10 minutes the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past five minutes"

IT PAYS TO PAY

The Queen was visiting a top hospital and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What ever is happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, private health care."

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